I started this blog an age ago and I had in mind that it was going to be a journal chronicling my eating disorder recovery through its ups and downs. I had hoped that I would be able to use it to look back at how far I'd come and be proud of my achievements. This is the reason for the absence of posts. There has been no recovery to write about and I find myself in a horrible place with nowhere to turn. So i've decided to just use this as an outlet. I am in no way pro eating disorder and I want recovery more than I have ever wanted anything in my life but after 10 years struggling with the monsters in my head (longer if i'm honest) I don't think it is possible. So where am I at the moment? I am a damn site bigger than I was at my lowest weight and i often tell myself that makes me healthier physically but I know this is the myth I have created based on the lack of service support I get now I'm at a higher weight. Eating disorder services try to stress that eating disorders are not just about low weight and its true, you can be any weight and still struggle with an eating disorder BUT they don't base their treatment on that fact. When i was at my lowest, they never left me alone. Constantly wanting weights, bloods, bp, threatening me with the mental health act. Now though, there's barely contact even though my potassium is always a dangerous level due to endless days of purging. To be fair I have recently been in IP treatment which is something I saw as an opportunity because i was so desperate to get well. But I was discharged after 8 weeks despite telling them i wasn't ready to leave, despite having no head work and so i came home to exactly the same patterns of behaviour. Even i know 10 years of behaviours can't be stopped in 8 weeks. I didn't want to be in hospital but i needed it. I was so determined to get well and make the most of it but the support wasn't there, my weight wasn't low enough to deserve the help and that's the sad truth of the matter. Now, i have no hope left and that in itself is crippling. I've had what was supposed to be the most intensive support available and I'm no better. Since my discharge on the 28th October there's been very little contact from services. I've been weighed once and if it wasn't for the insistence of my Gp (who is wonderful), my bloods wouldn't have been taken either. I've been without my antidepressant for 4 weeks despite asking the psychiatrist for a script in plenty of time and i've been left feeling desperate, undeserving and like i've been written off as a lost cause.
So now what? Where now? If i'm honest I feel like i'm just playing the waiting game until this kills me. I don't really want to die but i don't want to live like this either.
